I want to have your abortion
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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