everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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