apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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