I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
