God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
