sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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