Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
