Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
