And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
