You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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