Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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