My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
