Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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