absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
