Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
