You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
