I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
