If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
