He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
