Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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