sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
