theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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