Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
