does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
