I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize