Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize