Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
