I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
