i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
