This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
