I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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