Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
