I didn't shave. On purpose
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
