I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
