dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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