i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
