Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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