I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
