Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
