dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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