You're a womanizer and a bitch.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
