i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
