Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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