So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We have so much sex to catch up on
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
