i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
