An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
