Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
