Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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