Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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