someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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