No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
