I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
