I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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