Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
