i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize