i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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