Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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