Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize